Dating Japanese guys as an American girl

I’ve been thinking a lot about my experiences dating here, and about the types of situations I want to avoid from here on out (that’d be almost everything I’ve experienced so far, ha) and how best to avoid that.

I’m really realizing that for a lot of Japanese guys, because I’m not Japanese but I’m a white girl who speaks Japanese, I was sort of an interesting and different one-time thing. They didn’t want to make me their girlfriend, but they WERE interested in sleeping with me and then making an excuse as soon as they could to never see me again. I go into every date hoping for something serious and lasting to develop (if we click), but I think a lot of these guys were not looking for the same thing. I think because I’m not Japanese, it was easier to fetishize/dehumanize me, to think “Oh, I wouldn’t date her, but I’ve never been with a white girl before, so let’s try it out. Okay, that was fun, I got my one experience I needed, bye.” And I’m not sure if it was because I’m not Japanese or because they were in a different place in their life, but I’m realizing I have kind of been taken advantage of. And while this didn’t happen a LOT, in most cases I still went along with it, I was just as curious as they were, but it’s gotten old and I’m no longer interested in helping any more Japanese guys check “sleep with white girl one time” off their life bucket lists. So I’ve attempted to institute a policy of “I only sleep with boyfriends,” but unfortunately, I still got blindsided recently. And I really don’t want that to happen again.

Remember at the end of my final breakup post when I said things seemed to be developing well with a new guy? Yeah, that just ended up leading to ANOTHER ghosting experience. Seriously, the universe could not be more cruel. I was still reeling from my breakup with Shiki, trying so hard to protect myself from anything like that happening ever again, hoping to find another relationship, and I ended up getting ghosted AGAIN.

So back in August, this guy Ryo and I had a good first date, and for our second we spent most of the day at a pool and then changed into yukata to watch fireworks. The next next weekend, we met up to watch the Tamagawa fireworks, this time in jinbei (we coordinated). After the fireworks we went drinking in Shinjuku Golden-gai (fulfilling a longtime goal of mine!), and I got a little tipsy. Our conversation over LINE had been openly flirtatious/sexual for a while up until that point, and I was getting worried that things were leading to a physical-only place, when I wanted a relationship. So I told him that I only sleep with guys I’m dating. He asked what would be necessary to constitute dating. I answered “告白 kokuhaku,” the typical love confession that prefaces a relationship. Basically telling someone “I like you, do you want to go out with me?”

Aside: It’s very refreshing that this custom exists here in Japan because in the US, you can end up in this weird limbo until one of you initiates a “DTR” (defining the relationship) talk and clarifies whether you’re boyfriend and girlfriend or just hanging out. I think that lets guys get away with being lazy and cowardly, but in Japan it’s expected that at some point the guy will let you know his intentions (or just stop contacting you, which is fine if no kokuhaku has taken place yet).

Anyway, so I told him that’s what I would need before sleeping with someone, and he then proceeded to… ask me to go out with him. He gave me a lot of compliments, said he’d been thinking that he’d like me to be his girlfriend, and I ended up a blushing mess. It was sweet. I accepted immediately, which surprised him, but I said that I had also been thinking I’d accept if he asked me.

It all kind of went downhill from there. Because I was drunk and had not been with anyone for a long time (the last time Shiki and I slept together was in March. MARCH), by the end of the night I had decided we should immediately consummate the new relationship. So yes, it was me who brought it up; he didn’t say “Okay, we’re official now, let’s go do it.” And we did. But the next morning, while I had expected we would make or get breakfast together, he left pretty soon after waking up.

And didn’t text me at all the whole rest of the day.

Or the next.

I finally texted him something like “??” since I had asked him what to do with the carton of tea he had left in my fridge. He told me I could just throw it away. Confused, I said “Oh no, you’ll drink it the next time you’re over, right? Since we’re dating now?”

No reply.

I wrote him a text saying “Oh, I forgot to tell you before, but I’m excited that we’re going out now, and よろしく and all that!” Again… nothing.

Finally, on Thursday of that week I let him know that I thought what he’d done was pretty shitty and I didn’t think he was that kind of person, but this was clearly not a relationship and it was over.

And that was it! He never responded again. I got ghosted again by someone who had allegedly asked me to be his girlfriend but in reality just peaced after sleeping with me. (Full disclosure: He was no big loss to me, I wasn’t developing real feelings or anything, but to get slapped in the face with such rude behavior–AGAIN–was really not what I needed particularly at that point in time, when I was still raw over Shiki.)

So, this isn’t happening again. After a lot of licking my wounds and trying to heal from the breakup over the past few months (I still feel upset about it, but hoping that continues to fade with time), I have a date for Sunday night with a Japanese guy who speaks English, and after we set the date/time, I messaged him this: “Oh, but I need to say something… I have gone on several dates in the past with Japanese guys who it turns out just wanted to have sex with me. I really hope you’re not like that, because I am looking for a boyfriend and I don’t sleep with guys so casually. Just so you know! Sorry to have to say this, and hopefully you still want to meet. :)”

Fortunately, he does still want to meet! He reassured me he’s looking for a girlfriend and doesn’t sleep with girls casually either. I will still be on my guard (and I will never again sleep with someone the night they ask me to be their girlfriend), but hopefully this will cut down on the phenomenon. I am very sick of Japanese men using me and throwing me away, and I’m not going to tolerate it anymore.

Other big changes have happened in my life, such as a new job (yaaaaay I finally quit my terrible boss!) and a new apartment (yaaaaay I have real space to live in now!), but I’ll expand on those later. I have a lot to say about leaving my old company and realizing my boss and I were never going to understand each other and she was never going to recognize me and my abilities…

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4 thoughts on “Dating Japanese guys as an American girl

  1. curious says:

    You are interesting. How can you possibly ask a guy what to do with the tea he left in the fridge?

    Sorry to say so, you are clingy. Change your strategy drastically. Make them chase you.

    I know, I know..sounds easy, right?

    Do exactly the same thing they do with you, that is DISAPPEAR wisely, not totally just wisely.

    You will see things will change for the better.

    • seira says:

      I’d ask anyone who visited my house what to do with something they left behind. I don’t think that’s so crazy.

      I’ve changed a bit since those events happened, and I don’t think I’d do the same thing now, or I want to hope so. I don’t really want to use a “strategy” dating, but I’ve come to realize that men are easily frightened. (Pussies.)

  2. Curious says:

    Hey there,

    I am back after almost a year reading your interesting stories. As for Japanese men do not get discouraged. I have recently got married to one, after five years of life together.
    Simply be yourself.

    At times you sound a little too clingy, but no one is perfect. I guess Japanese guys are not used to the American way, at least this is the way I see it from the outside. I think that overtime the right person might come along. Its not a matter of nationality.

    • seira says:

      Awww, thanks!

      I’m sure I do seem clingy, but I also want to think I’ve grown up since these events occurred. Hopefully… who knows.

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