Ghosted by my Japanese boyfriend

[Edit 9/27/17: This post ended up being fairly successful SEO-wise, so if you’ve come here looking for answers because you’ve been ghosted by your own Japanese guy or suspect you may have been, I don’t have any answers but I do have plenty of sympathy for you! I don’t know if my situation will help you feel better or not. Two years later and I never heard from Shiki again. I attempted once to reach out and just ask him how he was, and he responded by deleting his entire LINE account. If I could do it all over again, well, first I would remind myself that he was scum for treating me like that and I didn’t want him anyway. Second, I would have tried to be really patient, distract myself with my own stuff, and wait for him to contact me (but I tried that at the time, and I couldn’t do it). I definitely drove him away with my actions, and I acted too clingy and needy. So if you want to keep your guy, don’t do what I did. But also know this—he was a jerk for abandoning me like that without fully explaining the situation, which drove me to behave like that. I still have some deep wounds from this, but I feel more secure in myself now and I won’t let this happen ever again.] 

Well… it’s officially over. For me, anyway. It was probably over for him back in June or even May, and while I began letting go in July, it took me until August 1 to tell him–just in case there was any doubt at all, which there probably wasn’t–that we were through. And this entry is going to be me attempting to get all of my emotions about this out, like a catharsis, so I can move on.

My last post was June 11. The last email I received from him was on June 9, in which he called me scary for saying I wanted to come over and see him in the morning before work and comfort him, and since then I did not hear from him at all. At first I continued to send supportive, lighthearted messages 1-2 times a week. At first, I told myself not to expect a response. But… I started to want some sort of reply, some sort of acknowledgment that what I was doing was helping him. And I was beginning to have a very, very bad feeling about all this; my faith was running out.

I also heard from his youngest brother during June (but only after I pestered him over various social media, honestly worried that Shiki might be depressed/suicidal because of his work situation. It turns out selective avoidance is a family trait!). His brother basically said that while he does not have contact with Shiki (and he also let me know that the middle brother is moving away from Tokyo – ??), June is also a busy month for that industry. His advice was to wait for the busy period to end. That gave me a bit of hope and around the end of June, I had one last burst of determination to wait it out and keep being patient to see if he would come around.

On July 1, I sent him this:

It’s been more than three weeks since your last email you sent to me. Is everything okay? I feel worried when you don’t respond to me at all. Worried about you (and your mental/physical health), and about us. I really hope you’re doing all right. ><
I’d really like to see you or hear from you sometime soon. I think that would help both of us.
The Japanese Language Proficiency Test is this Sunday, July 5 at noon. I’m nervous… >< If you have a chance, could you wish me luck?
I know June was also a busy month. Do you think July will be less busy for you?
….No reply… And of course he didn’t wish me luck or say anything to me on JLPT test day. (I took N1 again, and it went fairly okay, by the way. Hoping I passed.)

Anyway, the lack of response was starting to feel hurtful and/or worrisome, depending on how lenient I felt. I had asked him to wish me luck on the test he had studied with me for in February (we had a few study sessions back then where he studied for some legal certification and I studied JLPT N1), and he didn’t. No matter what, it just didn’t seem like a good sign. If he really cared about me, no matter how busy he was, he would have made some attempt to reach out by now. How hard would it have been to say “Good luck” to me on July 5? But he didn’t. It was beginning to feel deliberate, not like he was too debilitated by a busy work schedule and depression to do anything but sleep, eat, and go to work (as had been my assumption up until that point).

So, by the time my company summer vacation rolled around, I was feeling pretty done with things. I had talked to several people about the situation by that point, and everyone agreed this guy was a dud (which was hard for me to accept, but by that point I really just had to). When I protested that I still needed to get my stuff back from his place, that it couldn’t be over until I did, people told me to let the stuff go or joked that he’d already thrown it out (but I knew he wouldn’t have, it’s just not in his personality). I couldn’t let it go though because that was one of my favorite pairs of PJ pants. Anyway, I used my summer vacation to spend 10 days back in the U.S. relaxing at my parents’ house. While I was home, I couldn’t help rethinking the Shiki situation and feeling bitter. So, on July 19, I sent him this:

You are a coward.

You have hurt me deeply by just ending our relationship in the worst way – not contacting me anymore. Is that any way to treat your girlfriend of 9 months? I have cried and felt so sad and lonely over the past three months, and it is your fault. I have tried to help you and be there for you and comfort you and encourage you, and in return you have insulted me and ignored me. All I know is that work is busy, but I don’t know why, and I don’t know what your schedule is like, and I don’t know when it will end.

And you won’t even take responsibility and talk to me about it. You won’t even let me get any answers.

「はなさない」や「大好きだよ」や「Don’t move back to the U.S.」と言ってくれた優しい彼氏はどこ?(Where is the sweet boyfriend who told me “I won’t let you go” and “I love you” and “Don’t move back to the U.S.”?)
なんで消えちゃったの?本当に仕事の忙しさだけが理由? (Why did you disappear? Is work busyness really the only reason?)
なんでちゃんと向き合って話してくれないの? (Why won’t you face me properly and talk to me?)
なんで逃げてるの?なんで返事をくれないの? (Why are you running away? Why won’t you give me an answer?)

I hope you know that you can’t avoid me forever. You still have things that belong to me and until I get them back I’m not going to just fade away and leave you alone, even though I know that’s what you want.

I did decide to move back to the U.S., by the way. You told me not to, that you didn’t want me to, but then you disappeared, so what am I supposed to do?

You might as well tell me something so I know what the hell is going on with you. I suspect you’re depressed because of your work situation, but that’s no excuse for just abandoning a relationship with someone you supposedly care(d) about – with someone you led to believe you truly cherished, and who waited for you to come around for so long.
I think you need to be a man and take responsibility.

You’re the one who asked me to be your girlfriend, so you need to take responsibility for ending this relationship clearly if that’s what you want.

I want to hear an answer from you. I’m sick of waiting.

I had never taken this tone with Shiki before. Yet again… and predictably… no reply.

I decided that once I got back to Japan (on Monday July 27), I would go over to his apartment one morning without warning, wait for the time when he normally leaves for work, and ask for my pajamas back. I thought if I asked or gave him any advance notice, he’d say no or ignore me, so it seemed pointless to give him any warning.

So, on Wednesday July 29, I did that. I sat down in the hallway outside his apartment door (I knew based on past experience that even if I knocked, he wouldn’t open) and waited for him to come out around 8 a.m. He did come out, was clearly shocked to see me, and I walked up to him and said (in English) “You have my stuff.” He looked confused, so I said in Japanese “荷物 [stuff]” and he got it. He went back inside and dug up my pajamas and gave them to me. His hair had been cut into a spiky style at some point in the THREE MONTHS we hadn’t seen each other, and I really didn’t like it. He looked much better before. He had moved my pajamas from the hall closet where I’d put them to one of the plastic boxes under his bed (why?!), so he had to rummage around to find them. There were big, thin boxes in the hallway of his place, like for a bookshelf or something. I started crying (good thing I was wearing sunglasses), and he seemed shaken up too (well, probably also surprised to see me outside his apartment).

We walked to the station together (only 30 seconds) – although he realized he forgot his train pass (maybe proof of how unsettled he was to see me) and had to go back to his apartment to grab it, and though he told me to go on ahead I waited, and when he came out he rushed past me and I had to jog to catch up – and along the way I told him “I want to talk to you, when do you have time to do that?” After a long silence where I wasn’t even sure he was going to answer me at all, he finally said “Sunday….” and when I asked when on Sunday, trying to clarify that he had meant he’d have time to meet then, he paused for a long time again (at this point I had gone down to his platform with him, practically chasing after him, he was clearly in a hurry to get to work and/or possibly to not be near me anymore), and finally I said “Then could I come over at 9pm on Sunday?” and he nodded/said yes, so I said I would and then left – his train was coming in – and went to the platform on the other side to go to work.

It was a lot more unsettling to see him than I’d thought… and for us to interact with absolutely no affection, no physical contact whatsoever for the first time, it just really drove home that things have changed and are over between us, which was really hard to experience. I’d gone through that when my ex and I were fighting – the interaction that’s tense and not normal, no physical affection – but this was obviously different, as we hadn’t seen each other in 3 months and he hadn’t contacted me in a month and a half and definitely seemed to be considering us over already – so it was more like having an awkward encounter with an ex, which I’d never gone through before.

I’m not sure why I set up a time for us to talk more, since I knew even then that it was likely to be even more painful and his answers don’t really matter anyway. I wasn’t even sure he’d keep the appointment, but I was hoping it would help make a clean break, and I HAVE been saying this whole time all I wanted was to talk to him. I just wanted to establish that we are, in fact, broken up and that’s what he wants.

But of course, he canceled the day of. Around 6pm on Sunday August 2, he replied to the angry email I had sent July 19 (quoted above) with this:

今日仕事でいない (I won’t be there because of work today)

The も at the end is senseless, or he typed and didn’t completely delete something like もう連絡しないで (Don’t contact me again). Yet another poorly composed email from him that gives the impression that he’s too frazzled from work to even write properly. Who even knows the truth anymore, though? Does he really have to work past 9pm on a Sunday? If he does, clearly the insane schedule is still going on. But that’s his fault for not prioritizing his own mental and physical health, and also his relationship, and letting all of that be sacrificed just so he can do everything his job asks of him. If he’s been lying to me this whole time, and actually something else happened (like he got back together with an ex, or whatever), then I still deserved an explanation. In any case, he needed to make time for me and to either explain the situation or end things properly. And he failed to.

I wrote back with this:

Ok. I thought you’d cancel so I’m not surprised. Rescheduling would be pointless so I won’t try. If you ever want to talk, you can ask me. 

Just in case there is any doubt, we are broken up now. Thanks for the memories. Enjoy your work-filled life. 
P.S. Your haircut looks dumb. 

Normally, I wouldn’t have added that last dig at him, but I was drinking sake on a patio way out on the Chuo line with my friends and in a reckless mood. I had a friend push the send button for me.

It bothers me that he chose to cancel by replying to the last email I had sent him, proving that he IS aware of the emails and he’s reading them, he’s just choosing not to reply and to ignore me, knowing what that means. How could he end up being so terrible, I just don’t understand it…

Whatever. He has to live with the fact that he hurt me in this way, and I’ve made sure he knows it and knows what a terrible thing he did (regardless of how much his work schedule influenced it, if it in fact did). If he wanted to avoid facing the consequences of his hurtful actions and the proof that he’s hurt and upset me, he didn’t get to do that. I put it in his face anyway. I’m annoyed I spent so much time pitying him and coming up with excuses and rationales for his behavior.

This is easily the worst breakup I’ve ever had (but to be fair, the other two were pretty clean breaks and this is the only messy one I’ve ever experienced), and I hate that it’s like an open wound now, and it still pisses me off when I think about it. I’m actually still in shock. He was so sweet, and we were so happy spending time together, and he did and said so many things that made it clear he really cared about me and wanted to keep seeing me… I don’t understand how he could have done this, and how things got weird for good AFTER he put all that effort into our 6-month anniversary. I’m just blindsided. Yeah, it’s ghosting, but I just don’t understand. Why?

I’ll write more about my feelings about this whole thing, but I wanted to get the facts and an update out in case anyone was curious. Sympathy is MUCH appreciated!

I’m still feeling very hurt and rejected, even though I tried to reclaim some of the power in my last email to him and reject HIM. But it’s obvious that he was checked out since May/June, or maybe even earlier, no matter how big of a role the busy work schedule played. I know I did my best and I was a great girlfriend and I did more and hung in there for longer than most people reasonably would, and if that wasn’t enough for him then that’s on him for not appreciating what he had and honestly telling me if it wasn’t working for him anymore or if he wasn’t able to pay attention to a girlfriend anymore. He’s a coward and avoidant and he has to live with that and live being that way. I get to move on and know that I am capable of real love and a real, secure partnership with someone who thinks I’m amazing and deserving of all their love, and I will find it.

38 thoughts on “Ghosted by my Japanese boyfriend

  1. Erin says:

    Sighs, I was really hoping the story of him and you would have a happy ending… But actually maybe it is a happy thing (despite all the hurt you are feeling now) that he is no longer in your life. For example, that new guy you dated on Friday might be the real The One or someone else in the future will surely be.
    I completely understand what you have been and are going thru. I had very similar experiences (altho not in the dating scene but while freelancing in Japan). The “highlight” of all was when I spent half year working for a company, basically getting them the deal of their life (and it’s not like there could be any misunderstanding about my position with them- my payments and schedule was all spelled out and written, they printed me business cards and I even attended several work events with my then boss. Then suddenly, before the “big day” (when I finally got them the green light from the big client they so wanted to have and it was time to schedule a date to sign the contract) my boss started to ignore my messages and calls. Once in two weeks he would reply with “I’m very busy now, please wait”. Eventually the contact stopped completely! I wrote to the other members of this supposedly respectable company demanding to know what’s up and as you can guess- no reply. Needless to say, my pay didn’t come either and there was never an official “byebye” response.
    I really don’t understand why some Japanese people choose to just dissappear like that on someone whom they knew (and promised stuff) for quite some time! Wouldn’t a simple “sorry, my plans about you changed” email be actually easier for them than getting confused and upset texts/calls for months from the person they no longer need?!
    Thank you for sharing your experience and updating. I know it’s not easy to be telling/writing such experiences, but it helps those with similar stories (like myself) by knowing we are not alone and shit like this happens in Japan (and maybe other parts of the world? Sorry, I generalize it on japan because I personally didn’t experience it elsewhere).
    And sorry for my rant!

    • seira says:

      Sorry for the delay in replying but thank you so much for your comment! Although the guy I mention towards the end of this post ended up ghosting me TOO… T_T

      That’s ridiculous that it happens even in business!! Seriously, what is so difficult about just sending off a note to say it’s over!!

  2. sdiah says:

    I had the same experience with my Japanese ex boyfriend, he just disappeared, never replied my texts, never took my calls.
    I’m fine if he wants to break up but geez just say something. This actually makes me not want to date a Japanese guy ever again.

    • seira says:

      Yeah… I really don’t understand what motivates that behavior. And sadly I know the feeling… there are some good ones but they are so rare, I don’t know if I will ever find one.

  3. Shari says:

    I hope it never happens to you again and myself. It’s the worst feeling ever, I don’t even wish that to my worst enemy. It seems like this “ghosting” thing happens everywhere not just with Japanese men, I was googling “ghosting” and found a bunch of articles plenty of American guys do it too.
    I hope you’ll get your closure and one day find true love ❤

  4. berrywhite says:

    This is from a guy’s perspective. A japanese girl did the exact same thing to me. Like, literally, great conversations, having tons of fun, then one day *poof*

    she doesn’t answer my messages, even though i see they’re read. i find it really, really, irritating after 6 months of dating. i would have been totally fine, maybe a little sad, but OK, if she said “hey, this just isn’t working out” but being ghosted leaves me with a bad vibe. the more i try and figure out what’s going on, the more of a stalker i start to feel like. one thing is for sure, if she ever contacts me again i’ll be sure play along for a little while and then ghost her so she knows how it feels. maybe that will stop her from doing it to the next guy..

    i’m talking to a new girl now, and its like i’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop, er, vanish. its keeping me from committing to her. i hate being wishy-washy with her because i feel like she’s a sweet person who doesn’t deserve to be in the same box.

    i guess i just have to roll with it and see where it goes. the new girl does deserve a fair shot and a clean slate at least.

    • seira says:

      Oooh, that’s annoying. But if your ex messages you again, don’t just ghost her back. I want to wipe out ghosting in relationships from the world. Just text her “Hey, it’s over, don’t contact me again” and head it off.

      And tell the new girl you’re worried about ghosting, but you’re going to trust her. See what she does, it might make her more honest.

  5. Christine says:

    I had the same experience on a friendship level from a guy I trusted…seems it’s quite typical from Japanese guys/men. They won’t take the responsibility of the breakup but will ghost you until you get angry, mad, sad and take the decision yourself. This way they don’t feel that they are the ones who are bad and mean because after all it’s you who finally put an end to the relationship.

    • seira says:

      Yeah :/ I really hate that it’s so common!! I think it’s not just Japanese guys too, but that’s what I have experience with. I’m sorry you had that experience too.

  6. FromOsaka says:

    Ugh! This literally just happened to me, and my search for an answer is how I found this article. I met a guy in Japan, had coffee, and ended up at his place for a little bit. He paid for my train ticket home and was so sweet, even a few days after meeting. He talked about wanting to visit me and going to Canada, brushing up on his English, and talking more in Japanese the “next time we meet up.” He sounded so stoked, and the conversation was flowing so well.

    After replying to those 3 messages, poof. Gone. I assumed that he was busy, but it’s been 4 days and nothing. My other Japanese male friend said that this was “not rare” in Japan and that “he probably won’t reply again.” Still unsure whether or not to delete him, ugh.

    Ghosting happens everywhere for sure, but is confusing in Japan because there’s this semblance of things going very well and it suddenly hitting a huge downward slope. Over here, I feel like it’s like a gradual fading before you get ghosted.

    Oh well. 😦

    • seira says:

      Yes! They do that. The whole “oh yeah, next time we meet, let’s do that! In the future, let’s definitely do that!” thing. And then it never happens and you’re like !??!?!

      If it’s only been 4 days, there is a chance you will hear from him again in about 2 weeks. That’s like… the pattern here. Initial ghosting, then they pop back up exactly 2 weeks later. And you’re like !??! I gave up on you!!

      It’s like they want you to know you’re not that important, but they still want to keep you around…

  7. RU says:

    same thing happened to me recently so found this article by google ;D makes me feel a little bit better to know i’m not the only one

  8. hotpotato says:

    I feel you. I dunno if you still care about your Japanese ex until now but it happened to me three months ago. 🙂 Yeah…I think I need to make myself understand that he’s never coming back..that he is just one of those typical Japanese men who are fond of dropping their girlfriends like a hot potato. Truly, it’s hard. My Japanese ex-boyfriend sucks but I still love him. He’s the best still. 🙂 Anyway, let’s just wish them happiness. 🙂 Letting go is loving too, anyway. 🙂

  9. hotpotato says:

    Anyway, as far as I can remember from our previous convos, my ex told me that he would surely try his best having me. Yet, if he realized that the difficult situation (LDR) was not worth fighting for, then he would need to end the relationship. So, I think Japanese men really feel love…it’s just that, they tend to have their practical side dominate over their emotional one. 🙂

    • seira says:

      I definitely agree… and I do still think about this situation from time to time. I’ve actually come to the conclusion that he was most likely gay, which explains why he would alternate between trying hard in the relationship and seeming very apathetic. I don’t know if my conclusion is right, but it makes me feel better.

  10. Anne says:

    Same as all the other girls here.
    Have not heard anything from my boyfriend now. It’s been 4 days. The last I talked to him was good. That was Wednesday night but I came across his FB and found out he was “liking” some other girl’s photos which led me in sending him a message like:
    I wonder why you “liked” on other girls’ photo o FB but not mine? Isn’t it strange? Goodnight.

    The next day, my message was read byt he did not reply up to this time. I knew It was my fault but I didn’t intend to make an argument. I didn’t know that he’ll be like this. We have known each other since last year and started dating few months ago. Just before we became an official couple, there were times like he wouldn’t contact me for weeks. The longest was 1 month then he will just suddenly call and talk about things and plans of meeting up. But we are a couple now. It’s different from being friends. Things were fine just before I sent him that message. I know It’s my fault. I sent hin a message 2 days ago, trying to say Hi and said Sorry. It was not read.
    Am I being “ghosted”?

    • seira says:

      Hmmm. What I’ve learned is that if a (Japanese) guy is having doubts about you, he will treat you like a problem he doesn’t want to deal with right now. He will probably eventually get around to messaging you again on his own, but who knows how long that could take. In the meantime, he will ignore you.

      My guess is that if you leave him alone, he will contact you again eventually.

      But I think it’s a bit silly that he started to ignore you over you expressing jealousy (however, I also think you should have just asked him about it during a conversation instead of sending a message like that). But he might have thought “She sounds mad at me. Maybe she wants to break up.”

      It’s up to you if getting ignored like this is a dealbreaker and something you don’t want to put up with it. If you want to try waiting for him, you can. For me that was pure torture. If a guy knows how to treat you, he won’t make you feel like that. Unfortunately, a lot of Japanese guys can be really selfish and they don’t try to think about our feelings.

      What I’ve learned is that you should always bring up big issues, things you want to discuss, IN PERSON. Not over a message or text. If you do it over message or text, they can just ignore it–and you–forever.

  11. jonholmes says:

    I left Japan a few years back, mostly because of their gutless ghosting habits being so common and annoying. Sure, it happens elsewhere but in Japan its so common you start to mistrust everything and any promise, anyone ever says.
    I think its gutless, antisocial and heartless-treating people disrespectfully and like disposable commodities. Symptom of rampant consumerism plus “shyness” (really, selfish gutless hikikomori writ large).

    It happens in Japan business too; months of no reply from a client you tried so hard to please, and then either nothing or a fricking response at midnight saying “can I come for a FREE lesson on your weekend!”

    What a joke, how self centred and thoughtless. Who the fcek do they think they are?

  12. zin814 says:

    Same thing happened to me, though we weren’t officially dating yet. But well, I treated him like he was my boyfriend. So when he disappeared, I was in the same emotional stage like you. The truth is this kind of “breakup” really the worst. I felt being disrespected. After all the chat (mostly from me), he just didn’t bother to reply anymore. I decided to move on and stop wasting my energy and time anymore. Living with my reality is the best choice I had 🙂

  13. Leah says:

    It happened to me too, that’s why I found this article 😦
    We dated for over 3 month, everything went great, suddenly he started to get weird and poof – gone. He didn’t even read my messages until now…it hurts.
    I wonder if he is okay. But I have a feeling that he is great, found another girl and just played around with my feelings. Thanks~!

  14. xolovetari says:

    i was ghosted by japanese man last year, maybe because i’m too needy?
    but now i’m dating another Japanese guy for 5 months….. i’m trying to be not needy , i’m still afraid of ghosting 😭 it was so hurt.. i hope this time my boyfriend won’t ghosted on me..

  15. Julia says:

    The ghosting really is a thing here in Japan!! It has happened to me sooo many times. I don’t think I’ll ever waste my time again with another Japanese boyfriend… They are just not worth it.
    They aren’t even good lovers lol, and lack basic communication skills and empathy. And are BORING!

    Some people just block you for no apparent reason, others read your message and never reply, and the worst type of ghosting is when they don’t even open the message. If everything was going well you really get worried about their safety. I personally do not tolerate that type of behaviour and go to their house or workplace and make them face me. I don’t care if they get scared of me and start hating me. The relationship failed anyways.
    They don’t give second chances. If they think you are scary or needy or whatever just one single time, you will never hear of them again. They might come back someday because they are bored or who knows why, and I find it particularly insulting that they have the guts to try and talk to me again… Whatever, they are very unhappy and emotionally underdeveloped people and I just feel sorry for them… I’ll never deal with their communication problems ever again because thankfully I am a very pure, sincere and empathetic person and I’m way above their level…

    Thank you for sharing. I feel it makes a lot of girls who are feeling lost and worried feel better.

  16. DW says:

    I highly doubt that Japanese people are bad people, but due to living in Japan and interacting with them, I have come to conclusion that they are not good people to try to be friends with, to try to have a relationship with, or to depend on for business reasons. More often they not, Japanese people have hurt me, confused me, disappointed me, and let me down. I don’t know why they are that way, and I no longer want to know why. I just want to spend the rest of my time in Japan keeping to myself, because they have done more harm than good to my life, and that’s just the way it is. The health care, convenience and security is what keeps me here, but I want nothing to do with the native people here, and I hate that I have to feel that way, because before moving here, I had a very good impression of them.

    • Nik says:

      I’ve had the ‘cut off’ a few times and it’s definitely cultural. It’s their way of not having to deal with things especially when offended. It’s seems once they’re offended by something, that’s it, game over and no second chances. Failure in their eyes is such a b.i.g deal and forgive and forget, move on isn’t common. Even among family members. In Japan’silence’ is a form of communication. Look up the story of a Japanese guy who ignored his wife for 20 years. Incredible!

  17. Tijuana says:

    I just read this post and comments .. it really comforts me. Because i really dont understand why my boyfriend is “ghosting” me. Well, its been 2 days since he dont reply my mails.. i hope so that he’ll be bck in a week or two. I’m relieved to know that “ghosted” by japanese men didn’t just happend to me. I found someone with same experice with me

  18. Charie says:

    Reading all your comments make me feel somewhat relieved. I matched with a Japanese guy on Tinder and we’ve been flirting/talking affectionately/sending photos for almost a month now, then suddenly he stops messaging me without any reason at all. He didn’t even open my last message. I didn’t know that ghosting is quite common in their culture, so thanks!

  19. Takayuki says:

    It happens, even I as a gay experienced this with several boyfriends I have dated here in Tokyo it sucks…lol Although I am a mixed Japanese, I grew up overseas that makes me more straight forward and clingy..maybe they hate or I don’t know..I remember my sister said that most of them are cold, I didn’t believe..look whats happened..hahaha
    My sister ended up breaking up with her boyfriend since college and moved on…They have been together for so long and no promise of marriage at all, my sister just can’t wait in vain anymore..She decided to let go..
    My sister married a foreigner instead and now she is happy with her 2 kids.
    I hope by this time you are now moved on and happy.
    As for me, I am now feeling the ghosting is happening now to me..yet AGAIN. Luckily I haven’t invested much feelings for this he can get lost, I dont give a s*** anymore.

  20. Octa says:

    Thank you for posting this blog telling us about your feeling toward your boyfriend.

    I can relate so much with my own experience. I dated a Japanese guy when I was younger and naive, and at that time, i had no idea when he started to ignore my text and till the day I couldn’t stand anymore and decided to break up.
    And yeah! that’s sooooo true, that my first boyfriend wasn’t the one who ended the relationship.
    I did as our relationship was getting bland. I thought that we still could be friend…but I have learned, it’s almost never possible for Japanese to be friends after break up.

    Then, I had a crush with a Japanese guy few years later after I broke up with the first one. It’s in 2014, I met the second Japanese guy when I was studying in Japan. He was the one who started to approach me. Then, he’s just like a ghost keep appearing and disappearing as he pleased. It was unpredictable whether he would texted me, reply my text or just ignored it. Till one day, I invited him for a matsuri as I would be selling food at stall. Then he came, and he brought a Japanese girl with him. They shared food like a couple. It was hurtful to me, like..WTH he was doing, I could not understand.

    I chose to protect myself for being more hurtful by not attending a club where he was also in. I stopped contacting him. Time went by and I had to leave Japan. A week before that, I texted him saying goodbye while confessing my feeling. I didn’t have any expectation to be in a relationship anymore with him, just wanted to let him know. 2 years after that, he contacted me again and said that he would visit my hometown. I though that he had his second thought, so I kept replying his text. then, I moved to the UK for studying. He visited me, stayed with me and traveled with me for over two weeks. We had a great time plus unavoidable fights (as it was the first time for us being together for that long time). The ghosting started when he was leaving UK. Really, I felt the same feeling like some of you here that I was unworthy and being ditched after he didn’t want me. I was in a severe depression for few months till I finally could get my sanity back. My suicidal thought was unbearable too. No contact happened at all after that. The last text that I sent him was just saying: happy birthday. No reply at all. That’s a deep insult for me. He doesn’t know courtesy I guess. And it has made me to start to generalize that Japanese has the trait.

    The fate sent me to Japan for working, and OMG, I never thought that I would be working in his prefecture. So, foolishly, I texted him few days before I flew to Japan. Telling him that I would start working there…He replied. Then I asked him: do you want omiyage?
    He requested me to bring something from my hometown. I did bring the stuff. ahahah.
    Arriving in Japan, he didn’t even bother to send his welcome text. Few months passed by, I had tried to ask him when I could see him to hand him the omiyage. After countless texts, he mentioned a range of dates that he might possibly be able to see me. Of course, it never happened. After that, I decided to erase this guy even from my friendship list.
    Then, just this last few months, I am AGAIN in a relationship with a Japanese. I decided to risk and embark again in another relationship as I thought that he’s different to those previous guys. He used to live in the States for years so undoubtedly he speaks English perfectly. It makes us easier to communicate and also we have talked a lot talking about how we view a relationship before I decided to invest my feeling. It’s just our third month anniversary, and now I am not sure what’s going on now.

    I was needy last week hoping to have a date with him, but he said that he was super tired and needed to rest. I was just being honest telling that I was disappointed as he took three days off for resting. I questioned his honesty without asking him as I didn’t want to have argument (I know this is my worst point). I apologized to him over the phone and he said, no need to apologize as he understood. He said he’s happy to hear that I am happy when he’s around. I thought the storm was over, but….This is what happened few days after that incident. The fourth day, he started to reply my text briefly. Fifth day, he read my message, but didn’t reply it. Oh, the message was similar to the writer of this blog asking for an encouragement. I said: “I am so nervous starting my first day of work after the long summer break. Wish me luck!” NO REPLY.
    The sixth day, he ignored my message from the previous day. Then, I decided to not checking my phone for a day. I got his text just saying: Honey-san (followed by heart emoji).
    I replied few hours after that as I was working when he was texting me. I said: “Honey-san, just got off work. Wednesday was my busiest day” (READ, NO REPLY)
    Then I texted him before I went to bed saying: I was thinking about you as I haven’t really heard from you for these last few days. Please let me know if you get any chance to let me know how you are doing.” (READ, NO REPLY).

    I was about to do the same just like the main author of this blog: going to his house and just waiting at the entrance hall. As I also know that he will not ever open the door for someone that he doesn’t want to. But then, reading this blog, I think twice whether it is worth to do or not, as it seems that not only my BF does this. It’s in Japanese blood,,,Sorry to say.
    I still hope that we can get back together though..but now I start to use my logic. It’s hurtful to be treated this way aster all things he said and time we spent together.
    And before embarking on this relationship, I told him about my previous experience with Japanese guys that I was being ignored! I was being abandoned. He said:” I would never do that to you. I would never ignore the person that I like”
    but know, look what he has done to me.
    He used to be the chaser in this relationship, but seeing what he has done, it makes me think twice to chase him back.What he does now hurt me, but it less hurtful than before. I won’t chase and prolly just let thing go including my stuff that I left at his house. I cried a river for few days once I was home form working. My mind kept wandering around questioning, assuming and guessing. But I have a self-worth and my life has to go on.
    I wanna keep my hope, but seriously I have no idea yet what to do.

    So sorry for writing so long. It helps to let things out to people who have similar experience. I am relieved now. I welcome any comment or suggestion…
    Shall we form an association? #JK 🙂

    • Tatjana says:

      I would make a group in Facebook or whatever to get in touch with…
      Because it is really difficult to overwhelm. We could share our thoughts and concerns about this at least WITH SOMEONE.

      I am really so thankful to this post, otherwise I would find me insane.

  21. Susie P says:

    I got my heart string tighteded from times to times when dating with Japanese; like what the heck is going on in their mind. One day he is so sweet, caring, gentle; the other day he goes off radar for more than i can count fingers and toes. So frequently i am curled in the fog curtain; questioning if this is ever a relationship or entertainment service for him to kill the boredom. But as i observe, the japanese couples look so happy together, and i cannot see im any far less compared to Japanese women. I dont know if its my problem or his anymore?

  22. Tatjana says:

    I experienced exactly the same situation, but I literally didn’t know that the name of this terrible disrespecting situation was “ghosting”.
    It was extremely painful, yes. I felt (and still feel) so much disrespect to my side, that I started to doubt about my worthiness as a person, about my beauty, intelligence, position in life.
    We had amazing sex, I cooked nice dishes, we traveled together. I returned back to Germany and this has started… No reply. To anything but “good morning”. It took me months to recover…
    I started to search for answers, looking for anything could help me, because I didn’t understand: is it his way of communicating or just another cultural feature or whatever it was meant to be…
    And then I stuck on the word “ghosting”. Ahh… It happened to me twice. Shit. After all these sweety promises about the future. Disgusting. I definitely won’t date any Japanese anymore after that. Cowards! They are so respectful in all things, that you easily get distracted… And then bam! Stab you just right in your heart. Silently. Fake respect, huh. I wish you all the best. Thank you for sharing…
    I feel understood…

  23. LeeyaRazak says:

    It had happened so many times that I think I will never set foot in Japan anymore or even date another Japanese Man. Its a waste of energy, time and mostly everything. Just happen to me my EX-FIANCE of a year and a half just ghosted me in the most disgusting way.He see my LINE app storybut dont have even 5 second of efforts to text me anything, instead he read and seen all my 20-30 storyline in the past 24 hours that i have been posted . Its a terrible experience and also because of this situation i have found this post. I do a bit relieved though seen that I’m not the only person that has been ghosted by japanese man. Glad to know also that its not me that have problem. I always second guesses my self-value on this matter but its them that unable to have guts to tell their significant others if they did not want to continue the relationship anymore. What a coward! They got terrible personality too but the ghosted culture is the worst of them.

    Its great to find a way to express our feeling, Thanks for sharing your experience!!

  24. momo says:

    Ugggh. I thought about it but finally decided to write here too. Right now, I am more angry than depressed.
    I received a facebook message from a guy who I met 5 years ago. Well, we didn’t actually know each other. He was an exchange student for 2 weeks at my school. So, already I started to trust him because of our short but existing past. I also speak Japanese so our conversations were really fun. We made many jokes and we often stayed up late talking to each other for a few days (which is a normal thing that happens even when you just make new friends).
    Eventually we moved to Line and we video called a few times, and voice too. He already told his friends about me only after a week of ‘dating’. This was the first sucpicious occurance, but maybe that’s just the type of person he is, and if he is not afriad of telling other people then I thought he wasn’t just trying to privately mess around.

    I feel really dumb because I was easily maniplated lol, he was very handsome, smart, and had many hobbies and skills. He even talked about some personal things like divorced parents, siblings, his parents work, bought a book I wanted and was going to send it to me (which I reeeeally doubt he sent lol), showed me photos of his house and address, etc. This all happened within a month.

    Well, it’s been 7 days. No reply. Not even reading my message. But you know what? I see him online on Facebook messenger every day!! Is it that hard to read my message or send me a reply?? If he is just in a really busy period now, I will forgive him if it doesn’t go over 2 weeks (assuming he has reeeeally good reasons). If not, screw him. I’ve read enough online now to know I should not crawl back, beg for a response, or show weakness. I already removed him as my Facebook and Instagram friend. Maybe it’s easier for me because our ‘relationship’ was not like 9 months, we are not engaged or anything, so I feel really bad for others that experienced this….

    We are both young, 19, so whatever I guess, even though I never thought of myself as irresponsable or too clingy. I am also a shy person myself. We never sent hearts on messages, I never said anything more than ’好き’ (not even in English), never spoke sexually or sent suggestive photos because I am also a skeptical person and try to evaluate situations clearly, even if my eyes are blinded by love- more likely infatuation. Even when he asked if I would say I love you (in English) my response was ‘maybe if we meet I would be able to say it’ (in Japanese), lol.

    So literally I did nothing wrong. Yes my heart hurt for a few days but I never shed tears. I haven’t lost hope in Japanese guys (not that I exclusively date them or something) because I have a really beautiful romance experience with a guy that was both long distance as well as physical. We dated for almost over a year, and when he went home, we still talked everyday, sent letters to each other, he even flew to my country again to see me for a few weeks and didn’t tell his friends he came back, it was just to see me. In the end we broke up because he had to focus on his senior year of school and the future was too unclear, typically because I was 16/17 and he was 18/19 at the time. I remember how much he was crying because he had to break up with me, we were too depressed about it… Nothing like my experience right now. But, there are good guys out there. Maybe try to avoid the ones that look like they know they’re good looking and try to show off. I would say I would be more careful next time but honestly I think I already did a good job and didn’t make many mistakes even at my age.

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