“Men are weak and easily overwhelmed.”

I don’t really even know where to begin. I didn’t want to write about what I’m going through at all until it’s over, which I was hoping would be around now, but I’m starting to think it’s going to take a while longer, so I might as well try to get some of these emotions out.

It has been a difficult year so far, overall. In January, I got a new manager of my team, who was promoted over my former team leader who I had adored. Starting in the fall (when she got back from maternity leave – previously, when I started my job, it had just been him as our team leader and I had loved it) they had worked together as team leaders, and I had not taken to her from the first. She almost gleefully informed everyone in December that he was leaving the team to go “elsewhere” (she didn’t seem to care where, as long as he was gone) and that she would be promoting a new person to be team leader while she took the manager role (which had been vacated in July). Well, in the end, my former team leader accepted a position as leader of the international localization San Francisco team (still the same company, but our subsidiary/American branch); however, no one could say when his American visa would be ready. So in the meantime, he would be hanging out with our department, essentially stripped of his team leader duties and responsibilities (but not his salary), communicating over skype with the San Francisco people as he awaited his visa and departure for the US. Today, June 10, he had his interview at the American embassy and he’ll be departing for the US in a week or so.

I am so very glad he’s stuck around these past few months because it has been really difficult for me to adjust to being under my new boss’s leadership (or should I say dictatorship). She has decided I am unworthy, and she has decided he is unworthy, so we have basically grown closer as a result. I’ve gone out for dinner with him and had lots of long conversations. For a few weeks we even got to have our desks next to each other and we talked a lot then too. I’m going to miss him and I’m glad I got this time to get to know him better.

But for a long time, I wanted to quit this job, and it was causing me a lot of anguish. I talked to several recruiters, met with one, scheduled and then canceled a couple job interviews… and I still have one eye on the market, but I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the best, highest-paying, most stable, and most fun job I can get here, and I am probably not going to find a better one, so I should make the most of it and make my peace with staying here. I can’t be fired, so I don’t have to worry about that.

In late March, Shiki and I had a hanami picnic just the two of us, and I told him about how I was going through so much difficulty with my job, it was making me question even being here in Japan at all. I said I was considering moving back to the US. He told me not to go, that he didn’t want me to go. In early March we took an overnight trip to an onsen town in Gunma together that he knew about. We stayed at a ryokan he was familiar with where all the baths could be privately reserved with your room plaque, and spent the night getting very drunk together, going to the large outdoor bath amid a snowy landscape all around us, and tumbling into each other’s arms naked in the middle of the water, giggling happily, drunk on sake and love. I recall us declaring to each other “Hanasanai!” I won’t let you go! We broke a sake glass and I scraped my knee against the concrete blocks inside the pool. It hasn’t fully healed yet. We spent the next day petting lemurs in a tropical dome and soaking our feet at a cafe with a foot bath.

From the beginning, Shiki has been possibly the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. He is always willing to listen to me, even my complaints, he contacts me every weekday, he shows me how much he adores me, he lets me get my way, and I feel happy and secure when I’m with him. We also laugh and giggle a lot about silly things both in person and over text. We text every weekday and see each other at least every weekend, sometimes on weekdays too. We spent a few weeks in February meeting up on weeknights to go running around his neighborhood and/or to a nice public bath a few stops north of his house. In one of our March chats, I had summoned up the courage to say “Daisuki.” I love you. (Well, one of the ways to say it in Japanese.) He had immediately responded “Boku mo daisuki yo.” I love you too. He speaks English fluently, but we usually fall back on Japanese. We had maybe mumbled it to each other before tipsy on his bed, but this was the first time saying it clearly. All of my friends always tell me how happy I look, how I start grinning when they ask about him and when his name comes up. Our relationship has been filled with sweet, romantic, caring gestures that make it clear how highly he thinks of me, and I’ve basked in the glow. I’m speaking in present tense, but actually almost none of that has been true for months now.

Starting in about March, Shiki’s own job ramped up in intensity. To insane levels. And I wish I could say this has a happy ending, but so far it doesn’t. It just gets worse. I found this out later, but evidently March, April, and May are the most intense months for his industry. I wish he’d told me; I wish he’d warned me. Maybe it’s worse this year than ever before and even he didn’t see it coming. But one day, he didn’t text me around 8:30 or 9 when he got home the way he always had before. Always, without fail (maybe skipping one day here and there), since we started dating he would LINE message me when he got home every weeknight and we would chat for about 30 minutes. But then he didn’t text the next day, or the next. And the last messages had been him telling me that he wasn’t feeling well. Then the weekend came, and I didn’t hear from him all weekend. Of course I sent numerous messages asking if he was okay. No response to any of it. By the end of it, I was clawing my eyes out with anxiety and worry.

I did the one thing I could think of: I went to his apartment around the time he leaves for work (8am) to see if I could run into him. This was around March 17 or so. I woke up that morning at 5am and couldn’t get back to sleep. Finally I decided to just go over there, knowing it was potentially a crazy move. I knocked on his door over and over. No answer. I texted him that I was there; nothing. I gave up, I walked back to the station (only 30 seconds away). Then my friend suggested I leave him a note to let him know I’d come by. I decided to go back and just as I was borrowing paper from the building manager, he stumbled around the corner. His skin was pallid and he was wearing a mask. He looked like the walking dead. He started stumbling towards the station; I fell into step next to him. He put an arm around my waist, almost out of habit. I asked him if he was okay, I told him he shouldn’t be going to work. He mumbled almost incoherently that he had to go, that he was going to work. Tears were streaming down my face; I was so relieved and yet worried for him. We said goodbye just inside the ticket gates and got on trains going separate directions.

I felt better having seen him; I knew why he hadn’t contacted me. He was clearly stressed and ill from feeling sick but also having to work anyway. I didn’t contact him for a few days. Sometime around the next week he contacted me, using a different method than LINE; it showed up on my phone as a text even though it came from a Gmail address. We had a long conversation in which I found out that he really wasn’t doing well. I told him I thought he was burned out. During this conversation or another, he told me he’d gone to the doctor and the doctor had recommended he take 1-3 months off. That’s how stressed he appeared. But of course he couldn’t do that; work was too busy.

I managed to see him on March 22 after the Free! voice actors event. We almost didn’t meet because even though he’d gotten the day off, he’d accidentally taken a key and had to go back to work to give it back to someone. But I insisted, and by the time I got to his place, he was back from going to give the key back. We basically just cuddled and relaxed in bed. I felt so happy and I hoped the busy period was over. He was still tired but had an attitude of “I’ve worked enough overtime this month; no more.” I didn’t bring up my issues with the decreased communication because I thought things were getting better. They sort of were. He had the next weekend off (and to my knowledge, that is the last weekend he’s had fully off since), and we met on Saturday to run the Imperial Palace loop, then we showered and had the hanami picnic for two. Then I had a friend’s birthday dinner, so I left him to go to that, then came home, then went over to his place and spent the night. Again, we just cuddled and relaxed and watched TV. In the morning, he had plans to meet a friend to go textbook shopping and I met a friend and her boyfriend for lunch.

But then in April, the decreased communication issues came back. If I texted him, he wouldn’t respond. I was having increasing frustrations with my job and I wanted to talk to him about it, but he wouldn’t reply to anything. I felt so miserable that I spent one morning just sobbing in bed about the situation, then Skyped my mom, crying the entire time. I picked myself up and went to go meet a freelance game translator who could help teach me more about breaking into that field and getting to know a wider network of other game translators in Tokyo. Then I had a friend meet me in Tokyo and we walked around Shinjuku Gyoen discussing the Shiki situation. I still felt utterly miserable, but seeing the cherry blossoms cheered me up a little.

Eventually I resorted to showing up at his door one day again. I knocked and he didn’t answer. I texted him I was outside and finally he replied and asked me to wait downstairs. I said no. He opened the door and I hugged him and started crying. We stood there for several long moments just holding each other. Then we walked to the station together and this time I went to his platform and waited with him for his train to arrive, hugging him. I left feeling that hopefully I had brightened his day a little, given him some human contact. Whenever the wind blew on me for the next few hours, it blew back some of his cologne that had gotten onto my skin and clothes.

Finally, on Friday April 17, as I was drinking with friends after a hash run, I got some messages from him saying that we might be able to meet this weekend, if not the following week. I happily made plans with him for Sunday, feeling ecstatic. Then he texted Saturday night that he was really sorry but he had to work after all. I said that’s okay and that I would come see him in the morning one day that week – Wednesday April 22, our 6-month anniversary. On Tuesday, around 9 or 10 (a rare time), he suggested that I come at night on Wednesday instead, since he thought he’d be getting off work early. Surprised and thrilled, I accepted. I came over and was treated to a steak feast. While a part of me was bitter that I was finally being let inside the apartment I had been denied access to for almost a month by that point, the rest of me was happy and grateful to learn he had gotten up early that morning to cook the carrots and potatoes for our dinner, and that he had gone out to a bakery and purchased a single-size Mont Blanc and strawberry shortcake for us to have for dessert. He pan-fried steak slices and we had a wonderful meal, complete with champagne to celebrate 6 months. After dinner, I couldn’t help getting into some of my recent difficulties with my job and the frustration I’d had with him not being around to listen to me. I told him how lonely I’d been, in a somewhat accusatory/whiny/sad tone of voice. I was crying. He hugged me tight and said he was so sorry that he’d made me feel lonely. (I couldn’t help but note that there were no promises things would be different going forward, however.) I told him again that I was thinking of moving back to the US, and he hugged me tighter and told me with emotion in his voice not to go, again.

Later we giggled over silly Youtube videos, then had a sexy shower together. He was too exhausted to do anything more, though, and we fell asleep. In the morning he made Italian coffee for us. At the station, I waited with him on his platform until his train came before going over to my platform on the other side to catch my train. While it was a great time together, and I was so grateful for all the effort he put into it, part of me felt a little unsettled for some reason as I walked to work afterwards.

That was the last time we’ve met since then. And contact is still at basically minimal levels. A week after that, I found out about the March-April-May = busy season for his industry thing. I decided I would try to just be supportive and not bother him too much all throughout May. But it was very hard to do that when he stopped sending even any responses. In March and April, if I went to his apartment at night and left a bag of healthy drinks and soup on his door, he would thank me a few days later. When I did it in May, I got no acknowledgment at all. He would not respond to any texts of any sort, whether encouragement texts (which he had thanked me for once in April) or texts asking if things were still busy and if we could meet. I told him I was proud of him, I tried not to say how much I missed him or how hard it was for me. I noticed, however, that the one way I could be guaranteed a response was if I announced I was coming over in the morning one day. He would never fail to reply the night before telling me I couldn’t, and in May the reason was that he had to go in even earlier. The replies would come at 2:15 or 2:30 am, telling me how late he’d been working. If he was working until 2:30 am and then leaving for work at 6 or 7, he cannot have been getting much sleep.

I tried to understand that he must be going through life in a stressed, overwhelmed haze, but it was also hard for me to only hear from him once a week at my instigation and to keep thinking “now it’s been two weeks since we’ve seen each other… three… now it’s been a month…” The whole issue took/has taken on the level of obsession in my mind. It is very hard for me not to be thinking about it in some form or fashion all of the time. It was hard for me to go from feeling just about perfectly fulfilled and satisfied in my relationship to frustrated, neglected, lonely, and depressed–yet not willing to give up. If time and energy, not his feelings for me, are the main roadblocks here, and I don’t even want to contemplate the Tokyo dating scene again, then why not just wait? Or rather, try to focus on myself and my own hobbies and interests, and my own mental health, and see if he’ll come along in time.

This was the opposite of the attitude I had when this exact thing happened with Mitsu over a year ago. He was already a crappy boyfriend who was overly critical of me, so when his work got busy and he disappeared and stopped contacting me as frequently as I’d gotten used to, I had much less patience and resolved to break it off the next time we met up, and I did. (I also wrote then, “I’m a little jaded now on whether [Japanese guys are] all going to be like this (shunt me aside as soon as work gets crazy, no matter what’s going on in my life)” – prophetic words, unfortunately, at least in my experience.) But in this case, I decided that because Shiki had been so amazing, and I’d been so happy, it was worth hanging on to, or at least waiting until I could talk to him, before cutting anything off. After all, my only option would be to send an email/text informing him that it’s over.

Unfortunately, my mental health crumbled around the start of May. Probably the job frustrations began it, and then losing my boyfriend’s presence in my life were the final straw. Depression with a dose of anxiety appeared in full force. I was so lonely, and yet I was turning down social invitations because even those couldn’t get my mind off this. I spent a weekend or two at home, utterly miserable, refusing to join my friends on their plans. Over Golden Week – which we had said we’d spend together; we had discussed it and agreed to remain in Tokyo, we had spent that night in April discussing potential things to do together, and then I never heard from him and can only assume he worked through it – I made a series of plans, such as seeing my host family, but I was depressed and thinking about this situation the entire time. After that I decided I would go back on my meds.

I have been on them for about a month now, and it’s still hard. It’s getting easier, and they are definitely helping, but there are still days when I wake up in the depths of despair. And they have not made my near-constant ruminations on the state of my relationship go away.

Last night, the worst happened. We didn’t break up, so maybe that’s too dramatic–or it’s too dramatic anyway–but it was like I had been dreading and worrying and fearing that our relationship would reach some sort of catastrophic climax as a result of him being too busy to contact me and me feeling so lonely and depressed about the loss of his presence in my life, however temporary, and then it more or less happened. He had told me towards the end of May in a response to one of my requests to come over in the morning that no, he had to go in early so it wasn’t possible, but “how would towards the end of next week be?” I was happy that he had suggested a potential time to meet. But when that time rolled around, I didn’t hear from him. Well, I sort of did. That Friday I got a phone call from him around 4:45 pm. I was shocked to see his name come up, as he never calls me, and certainly not in the afternoon during work hours. I picked up, but all I heard was electronics boops and beeps. It was almost certainly a butt dial. I hung up and called back; he didn’t pick up. I texted “Hey, you just called me – ???” No answer. I still don’t know for sure what happened. He has yet to explain it.

I emailed him that weekend that I was planning to come over one morning. On Monday night – this was about a week ago now – I got a reply saying that (translated) “things are busy for a while, so please be understanding, please go easy on me, please forgive me.” The one good thing is that it came on June 1, and I had suspected there was a deadline May 31, and it was at 11:30 pm, not 2:30 am, so he wasn’t working as late. But I was also disappointed as I had hoped June would herald a calmer schedule and less overtime and thus less stress. However, the message was almost entirely hiragana, he hadn’t even had the energy to convert to kanji. Another marker of stress.

I did not email him all that week, except for a photo of my cat and a short encouraging message “from” her in the middle of the week. On Sunday, I emailed that I planned to come over Wednesday morning. I had started to feel like enough was enough; it had been since April and if I could just see him, I could beam supportive, comforting, healing rays at him and show him that I can help him, that I can soothe his stress. He seems to be thinking that I’m mad at him and I wanted to show him with my calm presence that it’s not the case at all. I could give him a hug and provide him with needed human touch and contact. We could reestablish a bit of a connection to take back into our respective workdays. I told him that I wanted to hug him and I wanted to comfort him.

Last night, I received a reply. It was a flat refusal. No, tomorrow was impossible. He’s very busy with work, and didn’t he just email me recently? Why am I trying to come over? That’s scary (too intense, pushy). He’s very sorry but tomorrow is impossible. That was the gist of the email. Reading between the lines – with the help of a Japanese friend – what he is saying is “I am too busy with work right now and too stressed to even contemplate another person in my life right now. I cannot focus on my relationship at this moment. Also, I am a little annoyed that you don’t seem to understand this.”

Once I understood this, I wrote back “I understand. I’ll give you some space then. I’m sorry for bothering you while you’re busy.” And I’m not going to contact him after that. I may, further down the line depending on how much time passes, but it’s up to him now. If he values me and our connection the way I thought it was worth valuing and holding onto, then when things calm down he will reach out. And if he doesn’t after a reasonable amount of time has passed, then we will have to meet up so I can get my PJs and travel brush (which I left at his place) back and we will break up. I’ll be very, very sad to see what I thought was a good relationship and a good person for me go, but that will just be how it is. If that happens. The thing is, I can’t know that now. The uncertainty… is not something I’m good at dealing with. It makes me very uncomfortable. I want to know now – will he come back to me? Won’t he? Will we be able to have a talk about his behavior and figure out a mutually satisfactory way to communicate even when things get busy, or will he not be willing to do that? But I don’t know that, and I can’t know that now. I want to believe that he knows we have something special, and once he emerges from the fog of stress and sleep deprivation and overwork, he’ll remember that and come after me, but maybe he won’t. And even if he does, he’s going to have to prove himself. He made me very happy, but now he’s also made me very unhappy. He’s said many promising things (“I love you,” “I won’t let you go,” “Let’s talk later,” “I want to work hard to get back to a normal life where I can see you,” “Don’t move to the US,” “Please forgive me,” “How about meeting ___?”) in the past few months, but will he follow through on them, or will he just run out of energy and be content to see us fade away and me fade out of his life?

(I asked my Japanese friend if this sort of thing was common in Japan – the communication issues, contact totally ceasing once his work gets busy – knowing already that it was, but wanting confirmation. She instantly responded “Yes. Men are weak and easily overwhelmed.” She told me that she doesn’t date Japanese men for this reason.)

Part of me is annoyed that even though I tried my hardest to be supportive of him, to play the good Japanese girlfriend putting on a happy face, I still couldn’t help letting my American neediness show through at times, asking if we could meet and if he could contact me, and that may have turned him off. I’m annoyed that while I tried my hardest, tried so so so hard, it still wasn’t good enough. It could still have brought about the exact outcome I was trying to avoid–driving him away.

Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost!

Well, that’s where me not contacting him for a good long time from here on out comes into play.

Part of me is curious to see whether he comes back to me or not. It doesn’t mean I’ll welcome him back with open arms and no questions. I do hope he comes back, but we will have to to talk about a lot of things.

All I know is that I don’t want to cut things off now without talking to him. There are cultural issues at play, and communication is key before I can make a decision. And until I can, I want to use that time for my own personal growth. Get new hobbies, go to therapy, keep taking my meds, reclaim my independence, go out on solo adventures around the city like I used to. Oddly, it will be better for me to have a boyfriend – even one I don’t see or talk to – during this time, because it will keep me from trawling dating sites and going on dates out of habit/desperation/boredom. I am also going to use this time to think seriously about when I want to move back to the US, and how soon in the future, and to think about what my goals for the next 5 years of my life are. I still want to find a life partner. Maybe Shiki is it, and maybe he isn’t (I admit, it doesn’t look likely now). But am I going to find that person in the US or in Japan? I just don’t know. Which is a better place for me to be in? I don’t know. Part of me wants desperately to live in my home country surrounded by family and friends again, but part of me enjoys the many perks of Japan such as safe, accessible travel and things like gyuudon, chu-hi, melon soda that I love. If I leave too soon, I might find myself desperately missing Japan and wishing to go back. But if I stay here too long, I risk losing my sanity and possibly my chances at finding the best life partner for me. At 29, with many/most of my peers engaged, married, or living with someone, I’m starting to get worried.

Last month, I had my friend do tarot for me. I asked him to look into what June would look like for me and Shiki. He pulled the Tower card. Change. Destruction to make way for change. Change from the ground up. Ultimately good change, but requires the destruction of existing, faulty systems. I was so afraid when I saw that card, and now it’s like it’s coming true. And only time will tell if the change is ultimately good or bad.

I like reading articles and stories about subjects like this, but I like to know how the story ends. I don’t know how this story ends. Probably everyone reading this is thinking “Likely not good. Likely a breakup in the end.” But who knows? Stay tuned, I guess. I wish I had a resolution to offer you, and to myself, but I don’t. I’m trying to be okay with that.


13 thoughts on ““Men are weak and easily overwhelmed.”

  1. shawn says:

    One thing I’ve had to get used to is telling myself that my feelings are legitimate and okay, because I’ve had so many people tell me they weren’t for so long, for various reasons. When you’re worried you’re being pushy and needy and too American, at the end of the day, you’re feeling lonely and ignored, and your boyfriend is being uncommunicative. It’s totally legitimate to feel lonely, insecure, ignored, and afraid in this situation. You had something good, work got in the way, and now it’s falling apart. You are right to feel unhappy. You are right to want answers.

    And maybe it’s legit that he doesn’t want contact right now. I don’t know what he does, but whatever it is, it’s insane and is totally killing him. But the thing is, if that’s how busy he is, then he should have made it more clear to you. Basically, before this shit storm came along, he should have told you he was off the table for three months. That is a normal thing to need to communicate to a partner.

    Hang in there, dude. I know it’s a shitty place to be in, but one way or another, something will work out in the end.

  2. Tulipfield says:

    I’m sorry, this whole situation is awful. I think your approach makes total sense. He may be going through a tough time, but it’s not excuse for him to disregard your feelings. It’s definitely a forgivable situation but he has to come back to you with an apology in a somewhat timely manner.

    As always gchat me if you want to talk.

    • seira says:

      Yeah… The thing is, he apologizes in virtually every communication he sends to me. He apologizes when he sees me. He can’t stop apologizing! The main thing I’d like to see is changed behavior after we talk about it. I don’t know if that will happen… but I agree that, in theory, it’s a forgivable situation.

  3. Miyagi Mermaid says:

    I’m sorry this is going to be really personal and we don’t know each other, but I feel like, I relate to you extremely. Like you are just living a path of my life I didn’t take. I seriously had every plan on getting into the games industry in Tokyo after my stint on JET but it looks like things may not end up that way. Anyways!

    I recently married my Japanese boyfriend. We have been together for about a year and a half. He has been in out of work for his family’s business and has had a lot of issues. He has depression and besides that, a lot of bad things happened that were out of his control.

    He’s not easy to love. When he is low, he is very low and irritable and not very nice. But he does talk a lot, he talks a lot about the situations he had been in before. When he would work 3 days straight without sleeping, all the pressure and stress. I feel bad for him, and regardless of whatever I suggest, he boils it down to this is the way things are in Japan.

    The past few days I have been struggling because he’s stressed, he’s been extremely nit-picky and unpleasant to be around and as his wife, I feel responsible for making him happier. I think this is a normal thing women think, like, we can’t help it. But the reality is, he is going through something entirely personal. I want to tell him I’m struggling because of it, but it won’t do either of us any good. I couldn’t even tell you what reaction I would want from him, because it’s not fair to either of us and I can’t blame him for it.

    The only solution that works when times get like this, is to focus on myself and our environment. Take care of my own happiness, because my stress would only make his worse. I try to keep our apartment as clean as possible, provide his lunches and cigarettes and whatever else. Besides that, all I can do is be there to listen when he is ready to talk.

    It sounds like you are really aware of the situation and are trying to do your best. I think I would have done everything quite similar to you. I even go as far as visiting my husband at work (he works at night) and bringing him surprise coffee or whatever and what not just to cheer him up when he leaves in a low mood.

    Sometimes it seems like it helps. Sometimes it doesn’t seem to, but when that happens I remind myself that it probably is helping, it just is hard for him to show it. If it was bad, he would make that obvious.

    I’m sorry I am sharing all this, it might seem irrelevant, but my point is that I understand what you are going through and that it’s very rough to balance being understanding and wondering if something changed and it involves you.

    When I get to that point of thinking, is he really in this or is he pulling away, I remind myself, that if he didn’t want me by his side, he is an honest enough person to have said as much. He would make those intentions obvious. He certainly wouldn’t have married me if it wasn’t me he wanted to come home to. He may not express his love in the best ways, but I think for him, and maybe for many Japanese guys (don’t want to generalize, but…), their affections are subtle, just making an effort to see you even if he knows it’s impossible for him says a lot.

    Not everything will last in the honeymoon period (sexy times, constant texting, etc.) but if you find that you continue to want each others company, that it’s pleasant without feeling like it’s めんどくさい, then you have have good conditions for a long term partnership. These rough times are the reality of any relationship, and if you can find a way to be together through them, then it’s definitely worth it.

    I’m wishing the best of luck for you. I think if you found someone you really truly enjoy being with, but your greatest issue is that he is working too hard and his communication has become poor, that those are things you can definitely work through. At the end of the day no one is perfect, and if you can accept his faults, you’ll feel better and more confident in your relationship.

    Again, I’m sorry for the huge personal response. I really wish I was friends with you lol. I feel like we would have so much to talk about. Take care~

    • seira says:

      Thank you SO MUCH for this comment!!! It has truly brightened my day. I didn’t think anyone who didn’t know me personally was reading this, so it was unexpected and wonderful.

      “Sometimes it seems like it helps. Sometimes it doesn’t seem to, but when that happens I remind myself that it probably is helping, it just is hard for him to show it. If it was bad, he would make that obvious.”

      Yeah. I thought what I was doing (going to his place to try and see him, dropping off drinks) was helping, but he’s just made it clear that he doesn’t want me doing it, so I guess it’s bad after all. I’m not sure what that means and if it’s just the stress talking or if he’s actually upset with me.

      “When I get to that point of thinking, is he really in this or is he pulling away, I remind myself, that if he didn’t want me by his side, he is an honest enough person to have said as much. He would make those intentions obvious.”

      I want to think that the fact that he hasn’t broken up with me is a sign that he’s still in this – but I don’t know. It could just be that he’s too tired to even do that. I am really starting to think he’s afraid of me and thinks I’m going to yell at him. I’ve never yelled at him…

      “I’m wishing the best of luck for you. I think if you found someone you really truly enjoy being with, but your greatest issue is that he is working too hard and his communication has become poor, that those are things you can definitely work through. At the end of the day no one is perfect, and if you can accept his faults, you’ll feel better and more confident in your relationship.”

      Thank you so much! Honestly, I don’t have much hope that he is going to meet me in the middle on this. I think the stress is going to have taken too much of a toll for him to be able to care about losing me, or maybe it’s eroded his feelings for me already and twisted his view of me. But I want to believe that we can rise from this.

      “Again, I’m sorry for the huge personal response. I really wish I was friends with you lol. I feel like we would have so much to talk about. Take care~”

      We can absolutely be friends! I sent you an email, so feel free to respond there. 🙂

  4. Miyagi Mermaid says:

    Oh, I also was going !! cus I just listened to Defying Gravity last night to cheer myself up. I also rely on a friend for her tarot readings and yeah, just, I think you’re really cool lol.

    • seira says:

      Yeah! Defying Gravity can be really, really inspiring, and I’m glad I have a friend who does tarot that I can consult from time to time (though the results can be scary if it’s not what you want to hear). I’m happy to hear you think I’m cool, I’m not that cool though!

  5. Erin says:

    Hello (^-^)
    I recently discovered your blog and this is my first time to comment (I hope it’s OK).
    I had lots of “suddenly stopped replying” kind of incidents, too. Mine were all work/business related but I can still relate to how you feel. It’s soooooooo frustrating when people suddenly minimize/stop communication!!! ><
    I think men (and sorry for generalizing) are simpler creatures than women as far as emotions go, so I guess he just doesn't realize how hurt you are. I hope he will contact you and have a proper talk after things get less busy for him at work.
    And I wouldn't worry about him not wanting you to come in to his apartment. My J-man was also very shy to show me his place as he thought it's too messy and small and I would think badly of him. He said it took him whole night to clean before he let me in!
    Have you thought of suggesting him to move in together (after things get better, of course)?
    I think that's what kept me and my guy together (his job is so demanding that if we wouldn't be living together soon after we got together I would be barely seeing him at all and the relationship would have probably ended).

    • seira says:

      aaahhh, where are people I don’t know coming from XD but of course it’s ok to comment!!

      Yeah… maybe that’s true. I hope I can talk to him after things get less busy too…

      I’ve been to his apartment lots of times, but yeah, one time when I came by in the morning and he wouldn’t let me in he was muttering about it being too messy. One of the first times I ever came over, he made me wait outside in the hallway while he cleaned up inside!

      Yeah, I’ve considered that us living together would be the only way we could survive this if it happens again or stays like this, but it’s hard to imagine that’s a good idea when I barely hear from him and haven’t seen him in almost two months now. I’m not even sure how he would feel about that idea – maybe he would consider it me being “scary” also.

      Thank you for your comment and support >_<

      • Erin says:

        Oh it sounds so cute how he made you wait outside just to clean! He must have been so nervous to please you!

        How are things now? It’s been like one month already since you wrote this post, right?
        Has he explained himself?

        • seira says:

          Hey! I wish I had better news to report, but I don’t. I haven’t heard from him since I wrote this post… I don’t think things look good. I saw a bilingual therapist and showed her all his recent emails and she got very concerned about him (thinking he’s probably depressed, but not aware of it yet, and feeling a lot of pressure) and said I shouldn’t ask him if he wants to be with me/break up or go over to his place to resolve anything, I should just send him supportive, short, sweet messages and not worry if I don’t get a reply. Well… it’s been almost a month of that (sending no-pressure messages once a week or so), and no reply at all, and I just think it’s a bad sign. Even if it’s depression, or work stress, or whatever, I just can’t be treated like this anymore. I asked him to contact me – he didn’t. I asked him to wish me luck on my JLPT test day – he didn’t. He’s in some dark, deep hole, and/or he just doesn’t want to be with me anymore for whatever reason, and honestly I don’t want to be with someone who treats me like this anymore either. I’m going to see my therapist again before deciding what to do next, but it’s probably over… I wish I had a better resolution for you, but sometimes this is just what happens… >_< I'm really sad about it, and I wish things had turned out better. I don't know where my sweet boyfriend who made me dinner and always told me I was awesome went…

  6. wonder girl says:

    Reading about your boyfriend he sounds a bit like mine; he works until 9 or 10 at night, we rarely talk/chat and everything is (in my view) broken promises. I kind of agree with your friend, I think that the (somewhat) American style of dating is too much for most Japanese guys.

    Asking for an email or a date isn’t too much, but thinking about others and yourself/job just doesn’t seem to be a skill many people have…

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