well, basically… I’m staying here for a long time. Until I get sick of it or I lose my job and can’t find another one. I’m even going to move my cat here! well, assuming I can afford to do so and I am able to pry her out of my family’s hands – they don’t think it’s a good idea at all considering how stressed out car rides make her, but I think it will be worth it.
And yeah, it’s been a long time since my last post. Let’s just say I hit absolute rock bottom in that time, was two seconds away from packing up and going home, and pretty much the only thing that saved me was going back on meds. I can’t even believe how well I am doing now compared to then – I tried and tried so hard to pull myself out of my anxiety and panic spiral, and I just couldn’t. June was a dark month for me. But now I am doing so good, having so much fun, and feeling mostly great. It’s insane. I went from on the verge of quitting life here because it was too hard, to deciding I love it too much to give up and I’m staying here indefinitely.
That meant breaking up with Kirk. Yeah… that happened. Just at the start of this month. I hadn’t intended for it to happen when it did, but about a week before then, I had gone to my old host family’s in Chiba to spend Saturday night and Sunday with them. I got to make my yukata debut in my new yukata, we ate homemade bento dinners while waiting for fireworks, watched about 30 minutes of fireworks before the skies opened up and everyone dashed for cover, had baths and ice cream back at their house, and then went to bed. I slept in the loft above the living room; the last time I stayed over was fall 2006 (study abroad) and back then their 和室 (tatami room) wasn’t jam-packed so completely full of CRAP that you couldn’t even spread out a futon. But now it is, so the loft it was. My host mom was so sweet and thoughtfully gave me all purple bedding. Their futons are really nice quality and I always love sleeping on them, even though it really is best on tatami and not wood. Anyway, it was a little warm up there and the dogs were tap-tap-tapping their claws on the wood floor below, so I had a hard time falling asleep. Suddenly I started thinking about something he had said to me earlier in the week.
As I mentioned, I have gone from being able to find no color in my life here and not being able to enjoy anything because of anxious thoughts distracting me from everything to having a complete blast, largely because of the meds. I feel normal again, and as such, I can enjoy life, and I am enjoying it a lot. So much so that my initial planned departure date of April or May 2014 started to feel… too early. And well, Kirk and I had a great time on his trip here in March, so maybe, just maybe, he’d consider trying to get an IT job and coming here…?
Nope. He said no. He likes his life in our home city, and has a lot of stuff he couldn’t take with him that he’s attached to, and just plain doesn’t want to.
So, I started thinking about that, and how my choices are: go back to Texas in the spring or stay in Tokyo. Somehow that became stay with him, or break up. And then before I knew it I was composing a mental pros and cons list about him, and to my horror, now that I had opened the floodgates so to speak, I was coming up with a LOT more cons. Before, I would never even get to this point – “No. I love him, and our connection is amazing, and we have so many inside jokes, we have our own cute little language, we have been through so much, we love each other, there’s so much good here, I can’t let it go. I won’t.” And things just wouldn’t proceed. But now… my thoughts just went haywire. And I began to realize a lot of things, and it was absolutely terrifying. I knew what had to happen, and it scared me, but I knew it was almost inevitable. We went to Disneyland the next day and every time my mind wandered it went back to him. At one point my host mom spoke adoringly of “Sarah’s cool boyfriend” to her younger sister who was there too, and I just felt so guilty.
But. While I was going through that awful anxiety in May and June, he… really couldn’t be there for me. I’d already gone through some in the fall when I first got to Japan, and then there was all that time in 2009 and 2010 when it first started, and I think he’s just burned out now. He’s run out of sympathy and my absence, which was painful for him, didn’t help him want to keep comforting me. I found out later that while it was only a week before the breakup that I let my doubts free, for him it had been going on maybe months, and the main reason he hadn’t pulled the trigger himself is that he didn’t want to hurt me.
I need to go to bed but will hopefully continue this later. A lot has happened and I have a lot I want to record. I’m trying to overhaul this blog and make it more interesting, maybe some pictures, jazz things up a bit, MAYBE even attract some readers who don’t know me! Hmmmmm!!!